It’s day one of the 'new paradigm', and it looks and sounds very similar to the previous 'paradigm'. There are some slight differences, like everyone using the word 'paradigm', but otherwise it doesn't seem that ground-breaking. So ignoring for a moment the use of a buzzword network executives use to sound intelligent, what does everyone actually mean by the phrase 'new paradigm'?
Essentially it seems to mean that members of parliament will have less scope to be bastards. If you get asked a question, you may actually (but still probably won’t) have to answer it. There will (won't) be less interjections. Answers are 'limited' to four minutes, questions are 'limited' to 45 seconds and interest will be limited to a whole lot less. All this 'new paradigm' seems to amount to is a half-hearted plea for MPs to stop acting like arse-clowns in parliament. If that's what it is then scrap it right now, because a) it won't happen and b) if it did, parliament would lose its only point of interest.
Sure, people love to complain about their MPs acting like self-centred five-year-olds, hurling mud-pies at other kids they secretly like but that doesn't mean they want it to stop. They love it. They love it in the pants.
If an opposition MP asked a straight-forward, single-part question and a minister then stood up and answered it directly, in a single sentence, what would that achieve? Accountability in government? Improved democracy? Happy-smiley-love times? No, none of those things. It would result in a boring-as-batshit snooze-fest that would kill off any chance of anyone being interested in politics ever again.
No rude interjections or snarky quips? For fucks sake, that's all they have. Conflict is all they have. What would the media report? 'Minister Answers Question in Orderly Manner: Crossfloor Compliments Abound'. Boring. We want: 'PM Shouted Down by Coked-Out Backbencher' or 'Minister Arse-Raped by MPs Tax Zinger'. If it's not debauched, ridiculous, meaningless juvenile pathetic nonsense then we would not be interested.
And it would not be parliament.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Oakeshott Down
On the 7th of September 2010, Rob Oakeshott took the podium, and with a sort of stilted woodenness you would usually expect from a cricketer in a vitamin commercial, commenced a speech that will be remembered as one of the most infuriating and repetitive of all time. It was like a skipping record at a radio station where everyone is dead; you either had to wait until the record finished of its own accord or until someone found the corpses draped over packs of the icy-cold-cans-of-coke.
For 15 minutes the nation's media and public were quietly swearing under their breath, begging for the one sentence. The one sentence that would mean that they could go home and forget any of this ever happened.
The most annoying thing about it was that everyone knew what he was going to say, but we had to hear him say it. And didn’t he enjoy making you listen to all that dross beforehand? Perhaps he realised that this was the last time that anyone in the major parties, the media, or the public would listen to him. So on he went, banging on about regional Australia and his 'line call-points decision-blah-blah', like a student padding a debate speech so they can at least get the warning bell.
It seemed appropriate then that Rob Oakeshott decided to run for Speaker of the House of Representatives. He certainly provided a good example of his ability to speak. After dragging the parties into an agreement over parliamentary reforms, it also made sense that he be the one to enforce them. That agreement seems to have lasted all of five minutes.
Of course, once the Liberals had lost the chance at government, why would they stick to Oakeshott's rules? Did anyone really think that would happen? Now there's talk of there being a Liberal Speaker, I very much doubt that will happen either.
The 'New Era' bullshit has been flushed within the first two weeks of the new term. We've come straight back to the political manoeuvring everyone knew would return. Don't believe the arguments about the constitution, as people are perfectly prepared to take a dump on the constitution when it suits them. This is about numbers and how thin the Opposition can keep the Government's majority.
Parliament is right back where it used to be: smack bang in the middle of arse-hat town. The two and a half weeks of political limbo has amounted to three-eights of two-fifths of sweet fuck all.
For 15 minutes the nation's media and public were quietly swearing under their breath, begging for the one sentence. The one sentence that would mean that they could go home and forget any of this ever happened.
The most annoying thing about it was that everyone knew what he was going to say, but we had to hear him say it. And didn’t he enjoy making you listen to all that dross beforehand? Perhaps he realised that this was the last time that anyone in the major parties, the media, or the public would listen to him. So on he went, banging on about regional Australia and his 'line call-points decision-blah-blah', like a student padding a debate speech so they can at least get the warning bell.
It seemed appropriate then that Rob Oakeshott decided to run for Speaker of the House of Representatives. He certainly provided a good example of his ability to speak. After dragging the parties into an agreement over parliamentary reforms, it also made sense that he be the one to enforce them. That agreement seems to have lasted all of five minutes.
Of course, once the Liberals had lost the chance at government, why would they stick to Oakeshott's rules? Did anyone really think that would happen? Now there's talk of there being a Liberal Speaker, I very much doubt that will happen either.
The 'New Era' bullshit has been flushed within the first two weeks of the new term. We've come straight back to the political manoeuvring everyone knew would return. Don't believe the arguments about the constitution, as people are perfectly prepared to take a dump on the constitution when it suits them. This is about numbers and how thin the Opposition can keep the Government's majority.
Parliament is right back where it used to be: smack bang in the middle of arse-hat town. The two and a half weeks of political limbo has amounted to three-eights of two-fifths of sweet fuck all.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Australia's Fattest Loser
The new Government is almost in town. They have reshuffled, repositioned, rebranded, like rearranged deck chairs on a boat where nothing interesting ever happens. A few have left, a few have just arrived. Will anyone notice? Probably not.
Bill Shorten has reward for all his tireless self promotion during the Beaconsfield Mine collapse, Greg Combet ascends further, still riding on the relative success of Bastard Boys. Mark Arbib has…umm 'increased responsibilities', what these are I'm not sure, but his promotion has certainly 'increased' my 'gag reflex'. Rob Oakeshott has rejected the offer a Ministry, it seems Gillard saw how long he could bang on about meaningless shit at his press conference the week before and thought he'd be perfect.
Whatever the machinations, whatever bullshit factional sack tickling, we have a Government. Unsurprisingly it only took 24 hours before someone uttered the word: illegitimate.
"This Government is ILLEGITIMATE. They have literally stolen government from us" was the gist of Joe Hockey's protest, his lip quivering like a half eaten Mars bar in his sausage-like fingers. Of course this ignores that they would have formed government in exactly the same way, with the same independents, with the same horseshit promises, and with the same offers of ministries. But no "THEY ARE ILLEGITIMATE AND WE WON THE ELECTION."
Well you didn't you fat self righteous git, so fuck off back to North Sydney and honk on to a cheese sausage filled with the bitterness of opposition. And if it is somehow possible to look behind you, do so, because Malcolm Turbull is after your job.
There is nothing I cannot stand more than the pathetic bleating of a grown man denied power. This is how the people voted; this is what their representatives have decided, so suck it up bitch.
You'll get your turn in the trough soon enough.
Bill Shorten has reward for all his tireless self promotion during the Beaconsfield Mine collapse, Greg Combet ascends further, still riding on the relative success of Bastard Boys. Mark Arbib has…umm 'increased responsibilities', what these are I'm not sure, but his promotion has certainly 'increased' my 'gag reflex'. Rob Oakeshott has rejected the offer a Ministry, it seems Gillard saw how long he could bang on about meaningless shit at his press conference the week before and thought he'd be perfect.
Whatever the machinations, whatever bullshit factional sack tickling, we have a Government. Unsurprisingly it only took 24 hours before someone uttered the word: illegitimate.
"This Government is ILLEGITIMATE. They have literally stolen government from us" was the gist of Joe Hockey's protest, his lip quivering like a half eaten Mars bar in his sausage-like fingers. Of course this ignores that they would have formed government in exactly the same way, with the same independents, with the same horseshit promises, and with the same offers of ministries. But no "THEY ARE ILLEGITIMATE AND WE WON THE ELECTION."
Well you didn't you fat self righteous git, so fuck off back to North Sydney and honk on to a cheese sausage filled with the bitterness of opposition. And if it is somehow possible to look behind you, do so, because Malcolm Turbull is after your job.
There is nothing I cannot stand more than the pathetic bleating of a grown man denied power. This is how the people voted; this is what their representatives have decided, so suck it up bitch.
You'll get your turn in the trough soon enough.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Glutton for Disappointment
Finished. Complete. Over. A five week election campaign of meaningless sludge and a two and a half week wrangle up the greasy pole to government. For weeks I've been praying to a God I do not believe in for it to end, and yet…
Now that it's over, I find myself romanticising over just how horrible it really was. I mean, it was fucked. Full of bullshit, disingenuous manipulations, promotions of xenophobia, dilution of important policy, meaningless polls, pathetic journalism (aside from the usual suspects), swinging voter morons on A Current Affair, PR drivel, debates consisting entirely of buzzwords, empty grandstanding and yet…somehow mesmerising, addictive, and all consuming.
I'm obviously a masochist. While I sometimes despise what politics in Australia has become and almost all its participants, I can't turn away. Like that episode of Survivor that you accidentally catch at 11.30pm at night, where you think you should just go to bed and then suddenly you are yelling at the TV: "VOTE THAT FUCKER OFF, HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR RICE."
I flit between starting political discussions and avoiding them. I can't watch the news but I can't turn it off. I keep coming back for more, and I keep getting slapped in the face. I'm like a pathetic stalker, constantly rejected by an obsession he despises. I hate it, but I love to hate it.
One day it will completely tear out my soul. I will be a shell, watching only Masterchef, eating a thin gruel microwaved in identical plastic containers and drooling on my lazyboy armchair, applauding food I will never eat. It's just a matter of time.
Now that it's over, I find myself romanticising over just how horrible it really was. I mean, it was fucked. Full of bullshit, disingenuous manipulations, promotions of xenophobia, dilution of important policy, meaningless polls, pathetic journalism (aside from the usual suspects), swinging voter morons on A Current Affair, PR drivel, debates consisting entirely of buzzwords, empty grandstanding and yet…somehow mesmerising, addictive, and all consuming.
I'm obviously a masochist. While I sometimes despise what politics in Australia has become and almost all its participants, I can't turn away. Like that episode of Survivor that you accidentally catch at 11.30pm at night, where you think you should just go to bed and then suddenly you are yelling at the TV: "VOTE THAT FUCKER OFF, HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR RICE."
I flit between starting political discussions and avoiding them. I can't watch the news but I can't turn it off. I keep coming back for more, and I keep getting slapped in the face. I'm like a pathetic stalker, constantly rejected by an obsession he despises. I hate it, but I love to hate it.
One day it will completely tear out my soul. I will be a shell, watching only Masterchef, eating a thin gruel microwaved in identical plastic containers and drooling on my lazyboy armchair, applauding food I will never eat. It's just a matter of time.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A 'New' Era of Politics
I'm twiddling my thumbs, I seriously cannot believe this thing is still going, but soon I will know. I will know, it will be over, and normalcy will return. There was a boat arrival during all this, see how no one noticed? This is because the public are no longer in control, there's no one to scare anymore.
There is, I hear the parties say. In fact there are three of them, but they're not scared of boats. But what can we scare them with? Polls? Most people are afraid of polls, particularly when they're recent, or upcoming. They say the polls aren't swaying them, but they probably are, let’s keep talking about the polls.
Hang on, there's a poll out saying the public don't want us…shit. Fuck the polls, these independents are far too concerned with producing a stable government to worry about the polls. That's right, stable government, and that's us: stable. Not like that other lot, very unstable they are.
Wait, there's a poll out saying that voters in the independent's electorates want us, not the other lot. Polls! Gotta listen to the polls, these are the people who elected you. Are you insane? You must listen to them. It'd be a travesty of democracy. If they didn't vote for you, they would vote for us, so there…us. Gotta be us.
What, they don't care? Seriously? Well keep saying it just in case they do. If they do, they need to be reminded about it constantly. Short memories these guys…Shooorrrrttt memooorrieessss. Hey, why don't we remind them about that guy?
That'll scare em.
There is, I hear the parties say. In fact there are three of them, but they're not scared of boats. But what can we scare them with? Polls? Most people are afraid of polls, particularly when they're recent, or upcoming. They say the polls aren't swaying them, but they probably are, let’s keep talking about the polls.
Hang on, there's a poll out saying the public don't want us…shit. Fuck the polls, these independents are far too concerned with producing a stable government to worry about the polls. That's right, stable government, and that's us: stable. Not like that other lot, very unstable they are.
Wait, there's a poll out saying that voters in the independent's electorates want us, not the other lot. Polls! Gotta listen to the polls, these are the people who elected you. Are you insane? You must listen to them. It'd be a travesty of democracy. If they didn't vote for you, they would vote for us, so there…us. Gotta be us.
What, they don't care? Seriously? Well keep saying it just in case they do. If they do, they need to be reminded about it constantly. Short memories these guys…Shooorrrrttt memooorrieessss. Hey, why don't we remind them about that guy?
That'll scare em.
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