Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Outbreak

If things were stupid earlier in the week, then it's hard to think of a word to describe what is happening in the ALP right now. There have been challenges to the leadership before, and yes, challenges to the Prime Ministership, but those were carried out with a reasonable degree of decorum. What is happening now is not decorum. It is both a measure of how much Kevin Rudd is despised in cabinet and how good he is at keeping that fact separate from his public persona. I can not recall a politician from a major party who could produce so much hatred from colleagues yet be so popular with the public. It is usually the other way round.

Kevin Rudd's press conference yesterday announcing his resignation as Foreign Minister was essentially a self serving whinge setting up a challenge, without explicitly committing to a challenge. All that was missing was the tiny violins and a minder offering him a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. It was ridiculous, and perfect. Rudd managed to sound a convincing victim, he decried the soap opera, the attacks and the undermining. He almost made you forget that what he was actually doing was describing his own behaviour of the last 18 months, rather than that of anyone else. After ten minutes of chewing out his attackers for taking the media focus off the issues and asserting that the Australian public will not stand for it, he then went ahead and asked his caucus colleagues to consider who is best placed to beat Tony Abbott at the next election.

He is taking the piss.

That he was able to say that within the context of his announcement with a straight face and sound compelling at the same time is deeply disturbing.

What followed was an outbreak of candour that spread through the Labor caucus like a particularly nasty stomach virus. It spewed forth almost involuntarily; like they were suddenly overcome by a long inactive gag reflex. They ran to the media latrines and deposited their rancid internal discourse. This is what the media had longed for; for the ALP to finally step up and publicly soil themselves on national TV. The ALP obliged.

Wayne Swan released an extraordinary statement opening a can of whoop arse on the state of the Rudd Government in 2010, Tony Burke went on 7.30 and essentially said that Kevin Rudd was biggest prick he'd ever met, Greg Combet and Simon Crean continued their earlier attacks basically telling Rudd to shut his pie hole, and Julia Gillard, while announcing a Monday leadership ballot, accused Rudd of the electoral sabotage of the 2010 campaign. What is clearly evident is that if Kevin Rudd wins the upcoming ballot, a large portion of the current cabinet will find their positions untenable.

On the other side, Doug Cameron went on Lateline to defend Rudd and decry the 'faceless men', which he refused to name even though he said he knew who they were, presumably because people would then attach faces to them, rendering his catchcry useless. 'Faceless men' doesn't really even mean anything anymore. It's essentially a reference to a political bogey man who represents an obstacle to any given MPs agenda. It is meaningless twaddle.

Bruce Hawker was everywhere, saying words. No one wanted to listen, but that has never stopped a pundit before. He's like a homeless man on the edge of sanity, all he can do is walk around with his shopping trolley full of cans, half-screaming 'Kevin 07' at semi-attentive ducks in a nearby water fountain.

For a change, Tony Abbott has said basically nothing. The silence is deafening, because it's clear that he doesn't need to do anything now.

Just to wait.

Wait.

And then win.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Let's Get Stabby

It takes a lot to wake me out of my political slumber these days. Outrage is tiring, everyone knows that, but who would have thought you could get jaded about being jaded? How can you be too cynical to be bothered coming up with something cynical that makes your friends send you worried text messages? Well, whatever the level of numbness that is required for that to happen has happened to me with federal politics.

A level has been reached. When the same stuff continues to happen over and over again; the same catchphrases, the same predictable responses, there comes a point when you yourself become predictable and catchphrasey. In short, there are not enough synonyms for bullshit. Or despair. Or galloping incompetence. If the Inuit People have 100 words for snow (they don't by the way), then why don’t Australian political journalists have 100 words for mediocrity? It would come in handy for both describing the political landscape and for padding out award announcements at the Walkey's.

Anyway, as with everyone in this country, I got bored after a while and watched My Restaurant Rules.

This is all moot anyway, because something has poked through the numbness. Although it is bullshit, involves despair, galloping incompetence and mediocrity, it was the near perfect juncture of all of those things that managed to tear me away from a TV show of people cooking things in houses: a classic ALP leadership bullshit-a-thon that ever so casually urinated on the highest office we have. It has everything: premature number counts, a ridiculous video leak that was so ham fisted no one could work out who leaked it and why, Tony Abbott breaking out his 'election' chant 2010 style, Peter Garrett being on TV and wishing that he wasn't, and bullshit, oh so much bullshit.

Whether Kevin Rudd actually wants the Prime Ministership back or to merely detonate Julia Gillard's I do not know. Ether way, it's clear that he has a head injury of some kind.

Rudd's chances of taking back the leadership without triggering the election Tony Abbott wants oh so much is sketchy. Rob Oakeshott will not openly support him, if a challenge does happen he'll go home and think about it for three weeks before giving a four-hour press conference that makes everyone want to kill themselves. Windsor will be much the same, except his speech will be shorter. It's actually more likely that Rudd would be relying on neither of them, instead approaching Wilkie and Katter for support. If he thinks that will work he is high. He can look forward to being the leader of the newest minor party in Australia.

If he knows that a return is impossible and he is simply trying to destroy Julia Gillard, then words can not explain the depths of his insanity.

The other scenario is that this is all just bullshit the media have drummed up because of the things I talked about in the first few paragraphs, you know, the depressing stuff.

Whatever the scenario I'm awake now. How long I'm awake for will depend on how many times I hear the phrases 'great big new tax', 'we need an election' and 'luxury refugee apartments with free walk in humidor and speedboat timeshare.'

Won't be long I'm sure.