It’s day one of the 'new paradigm', and it looks and sounds very similar to the previous 'paradigm'. There are some slight differences, like everyone using the word 'paradigm', but otherwise it doesn't seem that ground-breaking. So ignoring for a moment the use of a buzzword network executives use to sound intelligent, what does everyone actually mean by the phrase 'new paradigm'?
Essentially it seems to mean that members of parliament will have less scope to be bastards. If you get asked a question, you may actually (but still probably won’t) have to answer it. There will (won't) be less interjections. Answers are 'limited' to four minutes, questions are 'limited' to 45 seconds and interest will be limited to a whole lot less. All this 'new paradigm' seems to amount to is a half-hearted plea for MPs to stop acting like arse-clowns in parliament. If that's what it is then scrap it right now, because a) it won't happen and b) if it did, parliament would lose its only point of interest.
Sure, people love to complain about their MPs acting like self-centred five-year-olds, hurling mud-pies at other kids they secretly like but that doesn't mean they want it to stop. They love it. They love it in the pants.
If an opposition MP asked a straight-forward, single-part question and a minister then stood up and answered it directly, in a single sentence, what would that achieve? Accountability in government? Improved democracy? Happy-smiley-love times? No, none of those things. It would result in a boring-as-batshit snooze-fest that would kill off any chance of anyone being interested in politics ever again.
No rude interjections or snarky quips? For fucks sake, that's all they have. Conflict is all they have. What would the media report? 'Minister Answers Question in Orderly Manner: Crossfloor Compliments Abound'. Boring. We want: 'PM Shouted Down by Coked-Out Backbencher' or 'Minister Arse-Raped by MPs Tax Zinger'. If it's not debauched, ridiculous, meaningless juvenile pathetic nonsense then we would not be interested.
And it would not be parliament.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Oakeshott Down
On the 7th of September 2010, Rob Oakeshott took the podium, and with a sort of stilted woodenness you would usually expect from a cricketer in a vitamin commercial, commenced a speech that will be remembered as one of the most infuriating and repetitive of all time. It was like a skipping record at a radio station where everyone is dead; you either had to wait until the record finished of its own accord or until someone found the corpses draped over packs of the icy-cold-cans-of-coke.
For 15 minutes the nation's media and public were quietly swearing under their breath, begging for the one sentence. The one sentence that would mean that they could go home and forget any of this ever happened.
The most annoying thing about it was that everyone knew what he was going to say, but we had to hear him say it. And didn’t he enjoy making you listen to all that dross beforehand? Perhaps he realised that this was the last time that anyone in the major parties, the media, or the public would listen to him. So on he went, banging on about regional Australia and his 'line call-points decision-blah-blah', like a student padding a debate speech so they can at least get the warning bell.
It seemed appropriate then that Rob Oakeshott decided to run for Speaker of the House of Representatives. He certainly provided a good example of his ability to speak. After dragging the parties into an agreement over parliamentary reforms, it also made sense that he be the one to enforce them. That agreement seems to have lasted all of five minutes.
Of course, once the Liberals had lost the chance at government, why would they stick to Oakeshott's rules? Did anyone really think that would happen? Now there's talk of there being a Liberal Speaker, I very much doubt that will happen either.
The 'New Era' bullshit has been flushed within the first two weeks of the new term. We've come straight back to the political manoeuvring everyone knew would return. Don't believe the arguments about the constitution, as people are perfectly prepared to take a dump on the constitution when it suits them. This is about numbers and how thin the Opposition can keep the Government's majority.
Parliament is right back where it used to be: smack bang in the middle of arse-hat town. The two and a half weeks of political limbo has amounted to three-eights of two-fifths of sweet fuck all.
For 15 minutes the nation's media and public were quietly swearing under their breath, begging for the one sentence. The one sentence that would mean that they could go home and forget any of this ever happened.
The most annoying thing about it was that everyone knew what he was going to say, but we had to hear him say it. And didn’t he enjoy making you listen to all that dross beforehand? Perhaps he realised that this was the last time that anyone in the major parties, the media, or the public would listen to him. So on he went, banging on about regional Australia and his 'line call-points decision-blah-blah', like a student padding a debate speech so they can at least get the warning bell.
It seemed appropriate then that Rob Oakeshott decided to run for Speaker of the House of Representatives. He certainly provided a good example of his ability to speak. After dragging the parties into an agreement over parliamentary reforms, it also made sense that he be the one to enforce them. That agreement seems to have lasted all of five minutes.
Of course, once the Liberals had lost the chance at government, why would they stick to Oakeshott's rules? Did anyone really think that would happen? Now there's talk of there being a Liberal Speaker, I very much doubt that will happen either.
The 'New Era' bullshit has been flushed within the first two weeks of the new term. We've come straight back to the political manoeuvring everyone knew would return. Don't believe the arguments about the constitution, as people are perfectly prepared to take a dump on the constitution when it suits them. This is about numbers and how thin the Opposition can keep the Government's majority.
Parliament is right back where it used to be: smack bang in the middle of arse-hat town. The two and a half weeks of political limbo has amounted to three-eights of two-fifths of sweet fuck all.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Australia's Fattest Loser
The new Government is almost in town. They have reshuffled, repositioned, rebranded, like rearranged deck chairs on a boat where nothing interesting ever happens. A few have left, a few have just arrived. Will anyone notice? Probably not.
Bill Shorten has reward for all his tireless self promotion during the Beaconsfield Mine collapse, Greg Combet ascends further, still riding on the relative success of Bastard Boys. Mark Arbib has…umm 'increased responsibilities', what these are I'm not sure, but his promotion has certainly 'increased' my 'gag reflex'. Rob Oakeshott has rejected the offer a Ministry, it seems Gillard saw how long he could bang on about meaningless shit at his press conference the week before and thought he'd be perfect.
Whatever the machinations, whatever bullshit factional sack tickling, we have a Government. Unsurprisingly it only took 24 hours before someone uttered the word: illegitimate.
"This Government is ILLEGITIMATE. They have literally stolen government from us" was the gist of Joe Hockey's protest, his lip quivering like a half eaten Mars bar in his sausage-like fingers. Of course this ignores that they would have formed government in exactly the same way, with the same independents, with the same horseshit promises, and with the same offers of ministries. But no "THEY ARE ILLEGITIMATE AND WE WON THE ELECTION."
Well you didn't you fat self righteous git, so fuck off back to North Sydney and honk on to a cheese sausage filled with the bitterness of opposition. And if it is somehow possible to look behind you, do so, because Malcolm Turbull is after your job.
There is nothing I cannot stand more than the pathetic bleating of a grown man denied power. This is how the people voted; this is what their representatives have decided, so suck it up bitch.
You'll get your turn in the trough soon enough.
Bill Shorten has reward for all his tireless self promotion during the Beaconsfield Mine collapse, Greg Combet ascends further, still riding on the relative success of Bastard Boys. Mark Arbib has…umm 'increased responsibilities', what these are I'm not sure, but his promotion has certainly 'increased' my 'gag reflex'. Rob Oakeshott has rejected the offer a Ministry, it seems Gillard saw how long he could bang on about meaningless shit at his press conference the week before and thought he'd be perfect.
Whatever the machinations, whatever bullshit factional sack tickling, we have a Government. Unsurprisingly it only took 24 hours before someone uttered the word: illegitimate.
"This Government is ILLEGITIMATE. They have literally stolen government from us" was the gist of Joe Hockey's protest, his lip quivering like a half eaten Mars bar in his sausage-like fingers. Of course this ignores that they would have formed government in exactly the same way, with the same independents, with the same horseshit promises, and with the same offers of ministries. But no "THEY ARE ILLEGITIMATE AND WE WON THE ELECTION."
Well you didn't you fat self righteous git, so fuck off back to North Sydney and honk on to a cheese sausage filled with the bitterness of opposition. And if it is somehow possible to look behind you, do so, because Malcolm Turbull is after your job.
There is nothing I cannot stand more than the pathetic bleating of a grown man denied power. This is how the people voted; this is what their representatives have decided, so suck it up bitch.
You'll get your turn in the trough soon enough.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Glutton for Disappointment
Finished. Complete. Over. A five week election campaign of meaningless sludge and a two and a half week wrangle up the greasy pole to government. For weeks I've been praying to a God I do not believe in for it to end, and yet…
Now that it's over, I find myself romanticising over just how horrible it really was. I mean, it was fucked. Full of bullshit, disingenuous manipulations, promotions of xenophobia, dilution of important policy, meaningless polls, pathetic journalism (aside from the usual suspects), swinging voter morons on A Current Affair, PR drivel, debates consisting entirely of buzzwords, empty grandstanding and yet…somehow mesmerising, addictive, and all consuming.
I'm obviously a masochist. While I sometimes despise what politics in Australia has become and almost all its participants, I can't turn away. Like that episode of Survivor that you accidentally catch at 11.30pm at night, where you think you should just go to bed and then suddenly you are yelling at the TV: "VOTE THAT FUCKER OFF, HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR RICE."
I flit between starting political discussions and avoiding them. I can't watch the news but I can't turn it off. I keep coming back for more, and I keep getting slapped in the face. I'm like a pathetic stalker, constantly rejected by an obsession he despises. I hate it, but I love to hate it.
One day it will completely tear out my soul. I will be a shell, watching only Masterchef, eating a thin gruel microwaved in identical plastic containers and drooling on my lazyboy armchair, applauding food I will never eat. It's just a matter of time.
Now that it's over, I find myself romanticising over just how horrible it really was. I mean, it was fucked. Full of bullshit, disingenuous manipulations, promotions of xenophobia, dilution of important policy, meaningless polls, pathetic journalism (aside from the usual suspects), swinging voter morons on A Current Affair, PR drivel, debates consisting entirely of buzzwords, empty grandstanding and yet…somehow mesmerising, addictive, and all consuming.
I'm obviously a masochist. While I sometimes despise what politics in Australia has become and almost all its participants, I can't turn away. Like that episode of Survivor that you accidentally catch at 11.30pm at night, where you think you should just go to bed and then suddenly you are yelling at the TV: "VOTE THAT FUCKER OFF, HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE YOUR RICE."
I flit between starting political discussions and avoiding them. I can't watch the news but I can't turn it off. I keep coming back for more, and I keep getting slapped in the face. I'm like a pathetic stalker, constantly rejected by an obsession he despises. I hate it, but I love to hate it.
One day it will completely tear out my soul. I will be a shell, watching only Masterchef, eating a thin gruel microwaved in identical plastic containers and drooling on my lazyboy armchair, applauding food I will never eat. It's just a matter of time.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A 'New' Era of Politics
I'm twiddling my thumbs, I seriously cannot believe this thing is still going, but soon I will know. I will know, it will be over, and normalcy will return. There was a boat arrival during all this, see how no one noticed? This is because the public are no longer in control, there's no one to scare anymore.
There is, I hear the parties say. In fact there are three of them, but they're not scared of boats. But what can we scare them with? Polls? Most people are afraid of polls, particularly when they're recent, or upcoming. They say the polls aren't swaying them, but they probably are, let’s keep talking about the polls.
Hang on, there's a poll out saying the public don't want us…shit. Fuck the polls, these independents are far too concerned with producing a stable government to worry about the polls. That's right, stable government, and that's us: stable. Not like that other lot, very unstable they are.
Wait, there's a poll out saying that voters in the independent's electorates want us, not the other lot. Polls! Gotta listen to the polls, these are the people who elected you. Are you insane? You must listen to them. It'd be a travesty of democracy. If they didn't vote for you, they would vote for us, so there…us. Gotta be us.
What, they don't care? Seriously? Well keep saying it just in case they do. If they do, they need to be reminded about it constantly. Short memories these guys…Shooorrrrttt memooorrieessss. Hey, why don't we remind them about that guy?
That'll scare em.
There is, I hear the parties say. In fact there are three of them, but they're not scared of boats. But what can we scare them with? Polls? Most people are afraid of polls, particularly when they're recent, or upcoming. They say the polls aren't swaying them, but they probably are, let’s keep talking about the polls.
Hang on, there's a poll out saying the public don't want us…shit. Fuck the polls, these independents are far too concerned with producing a stable government to worry about the polls. That's right, stable government, and that's us: stable. Not like that other lot, very unstable they are.
Wait, there's a poll out saying that voters in the independent's electorates want us, not the other lot. Polls! Gotta listen to the polls, these are the people who elected you. Are you insane? You must listen to them. It'd be a travesty of democracy. If they didn't vote for you, they would vote for us, so there…us. Gotta be us.
What, they don't care? Seriously? Well keep saying it just in case they do. If they do, they need to be reminded about it constantly. Short memories these guys…Shooorrrrttt memooorrieessss. Hey, why don't we remind them about that guy?
That'll scare em.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
2PPissed
There is a creeping desperation engulfing many journalists as they realise that more than a week after the election they still have no fucking idea what will happen, who is in charge, or if they'll be able to remember all the names of the independents. Like someone who has lost their balance in the vicinity of a rancid koi pond, they will grasp at anything that will momentarily postpone their inevitable plunge into the murky sludge, chip packets and transparent fish of national irrelevance.
Take for example yesterday's obsession with the utterly meaningless 'seesawing race' of the two-party preferred vote. The whole thing smacked of reporting for reporting sake. Yesterday's stories completely ignored the fact that a whole eight seats were removed from the 2PP count yesterday by the AEC for procedural reasons. So sure, the Coalition was leading on votes, BUT ONLY IF YOU DON'T COUNT ALL OF THE VOTES. Jesus Christ, how about you actually ring someone at the AEC and ask them, instead of just opening the front page of their website and then running to your editor, yelling like a child who just shat in the potty unassisted for the first time?
The AEC is of course, pressured to release 2PP preferred figures even when they know they mean nothing. This is a close election, it will literally be weeks until the correct 2PP is known. We will either have a Government or another election by then so it will make no difference at all. Are we really going to see daily updates in News Ltd for the next three weeks?
Some blame must go to the parties who like to talk this shit up when it's in their favour, like Gillard did the day after the election, and like Julie Bishop did yesterday when she basically claimed the Coalition had won the election. They know that 2PP means nothing and is constitutionally irrelevant. It comes down to numbers in the house, always has, always will. Poor old Antony Green had to come out on his day off and attempt to explain this to people. Let the man sleep for fuck's sake.
In the mean time, while we don't know what's going to happen, how about we just MOVE THE FUCK ON? Did you hear that Rob Palmer won Dancing with the Stars? Who the fuck is that?
Take for example yesterday's obsession with the utterly meaningless 'seesawing race' of the two-party preferred vote. The whole thing smacked of reporting for reporting sake. Yesterday's stories completely ignored the fact that a whole eight seats were removed from the 2PP count yesterday by the AEC for procedural reasons. So sure, the Coalition was leading on votes, BUT ONLY IF YOU DON'T COUNT ALL OF THE VOTES. Jesus Christ, how about you actually ring someone at the AEC and ask them, instead of just opening the front page of their website and then running to your editor, yelling like a child who just shat in the potty unassisted for the first time?
The AEC is of course, pressured to release 2PP preferred figures even when they know they mean nothing. This is a close election, it will literally be weeks until the correct 2PP is known. We will either have a Government or another election by then so it will make no difference at all. Are we really going to see daily updates in News Ltd for the next three weeks?
Some blame must go to the parties who like to talk this shit up when it's in their favour, like Gillard did the day after the election, and like Julie Bishop did yesterday when she basically claimed the Coalition had won the election. They know that 2PP means nothing and is constitutionally irrelevant. It comes down to numbers in the house, always has, always will. Poor old Antony Green had to come out on his day off and attempt to explain this to people. Let the man sleep for fuck's sake.
In the mean time, while we don't know what's going to happen, how about we just MOVE THE FUCK ON? Did you hear that Rob Palmer won Dancing with the Stars? Who the fuck is that?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Borhung
After little more than a week, the media has already decided that hung parliaments are boring. They said the parliament was 'well hung' in the first five minutes, had a giggle, and now they're out of material. They cannot quite believe that the independents have not yet made a decision. How are they supposed to continue on with their simplistic, piss-weak political 'narrative' pieces if there's no ending to the story?
The opinion writers at the Australian are over it already. "Fuck it, let's just have another election" is the message from the Oz, most notably from that Noddy-haired douche bag Shanahan. Presumably this means the Gillard Government will fall over line, punch drunk, crawling over the floor to the nearest glass of hemlock, but that's another story…sorry…'narrative'. The level of boredom amongst most of the media is palpable.
Initially it was fine. The chaotic 'lack of decision' atmosphere allowed them to run 'New Era of Politics' and 'Rejection of Blah Blah' rubbish to fill in the gaps between celebrity elimination-based game shows. Two or three days in however, things started to get distinctly uninteresting. Watching three old guys they've never heard of sit in a room talking about policy just doesn’t have any cut through. Where’s the arrogant triumphalism of the winners? Where's the wrist-slashing, tear-the-soul-out-of-the-party infighting of the losers? That's why we have elections as far as they're concerned; to watch the bloody aftermath and speculate about bullshit of which they have no idea.
Instead the only material they have to work with is Bob Katter's akubra-seen-from-space, Barnaby Joyce being 'disappeared' by Arthur Sinodinos, and Bill Heffernan admitting to being the Devil to an MP's wife whom he thought was a small child.
Oh sure, that sounds pretty good as a sentence, but try and write a 600 word piece on it while insinuating that Tony Abbott is the only viable Prime Minister. Absolute murder.
The opinion writers at the Australian are over it already. "Fuck it, let's just have another election" is the message from the Oz, most notably from that Noddy-haired douche bag Shanahan. Presumably this means the Gillard Government will fall over line, punch drunk, crawling over the floor to the nearest glass of hemlock, but that's another story…sorry…'narrative'. The level of boredom amongst most of the media is palpable.
Initially it was fine. The chaotic 'lack of decision' atmosphere allowed them to run 'New Era of Politics' and 'Rejection of Blah Blah' rubbish to fill in the gaps between celebrity elimination-based game shows. Two or three days in however, things started to get distinctly uninteresting. Watching three old guys they've never heard of sit in a room talking about policy just doesn’t have any cut through. Where’s the arrogant triumphalism of the winners? Where's the wrist-slashing, tear-the-soul-out-of-the-party infighting of the losers? That's why we have elections as far as they're concerned; to watch the bloody aftermath and speculate about bullshit of which they have no idea.
Instead the only material they have to work with is Bob Katter's akubra-seen-from-space, Barnaby Joyce being 'disappeared' by Arthur Sinodinos, and Bill Heffernan admitting to being the Devil to an MP's wife whom he thought was a small child.
Oh sure, that sounds pretty good as a sentence, but try and write a 600 word piece on it while insinuating that Tony Abbott is the only viable Prime Minister. Absolute murder.
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